The Noticing Game

This game is designed to help you develop presence with others and to own your experience. It is best done in pairs as participants face each other.

Notice – Take turns noticing something about your experience with the other person. What you notice does not have to be related to or influenced by what the other person is notices. What’s most important is awareness of your own experience in the moment; what YOU are noticing. You can share observations, thoughts, sensations, feelings etc.


      P1: What I notice when I’m with you is…
      P2: Hearing that, what I’m noticing is…
      P1: Hearing that, what I’m noticing is…
      P2: Hearing that, what I’m noticing is…



Examples

Appearance:
      …the smoothness of your skin.
      …the way your earrings jingle when you laugh.
      …that you seem to be looking away a lot.
      …the gap between your front teeth when you smiled just then.

Sensations:
       …I’m feeling nervous tension in my chest.
      …I felt my shoulders relax when you smiled just now.
      …I’m feeling uncomfortable with this intense eye contact.
      …I felt giddy and turned-on when you said that.

Thoughts:
      …I’m thinking about when we first met.
      …I’m curious about how you got that scar on your forehead.
      …I’m wanting to reassure you that I don’t feel offended by your comment.

Emotions:
      …I’m scared that you’re upset that I pointed out the gap in your teeth.
      …I’m grateful that we’re getting to have this experience together.
      …I’m feeling frustrated that you keep breaking eye contact with me.
      …I’m excited that you noticed my earrings because I made them myself.
      …I’m feeling warmth in my chest and gratitude for you and for this moment.
      …I’m having fun playing this game!



Notes
Be willing to take risks. The more vulnerable, edgy and unfiltered, the more exhilarating and engaging this game becomes. This includes sharing your nervousness, attraction and even frustration!

Keep it in-the-moment. Don’t prepare or think about what you might say. Try to notice the impact each person’s share has on you; let it unfold organically, allow yourself to be surprised by what comes out of your mouth!

Others may witness the exchange and offer their shares (e.g. while I sit here, I notice/feel/imagine/think…). Participants take turns sharing at the end or when invited to do so.



Free Flow Variation
I notice… (Something directly observable without interpretation)
I feel… (Emotion and/or physical)
I’m thinking…
I imagine… (This is your interpretation)
I’m curious about…

I … because …
Being with you, I notice… and I imagine… Is that true?
Being with you, I notice… and I imagine… I feel… and I want to…

Credit
This game was developed by the community at AuthenticWorld.com 

The Curiosity Game

This game is a good way to introduce Authentic Relating to new people and bypasses the social barriers to connection. It can be used on first dates or with seatmates on a plane! Try it out with different timings, different pairings, and different sentence stems at the end. It’s Best done in pairs.

• Roles – Designate a questioner (Q) and a responder (R). 
• Questions – Q has 5 minutes to ask R whatever they are genuinely curious about
• It’s OK to have silence until you know what you want to ask.
• Don’t ask questions you aren’t interested in (e.g. how the weather?) 
• R can answer or decline to respond.  
• Feedback – After 5 minutes, R gets a chance to give a minute of feedback on how they felt about the questions.
• Including if there was anything they wished had been asked or anything that really struck them. 
• (option) have Q ask some questions or raise topics while R rates their personal interest in it on a scale of 1 – 5, 5 being the most interested. 
• Resume – Then, Q resumes questioning for 3 minutes.  
• Stems – When time is up, Q gives a “gift” to R of three sentence stems: 
• “My first impression of you was. . .”
• “I felt you the most when . . .”
• “What I really get about you is . . .”
• Impact – R responds with emotional impact for a minute, or shares “What I want you to get about me is…” 
• Switch – Partners switch roles, or the facilitator can shuffle up the pairs.

Credit
This game was developed by the community at AuthenticWorld.com 

The Art of Connection

Ways of Being 

The following ways of being make it possible to get someone’s world. They create a care and understanding that make for beautiful connections.

Wonderment
Be amazed. Be fascinated by the person you are communicating with. View them as a mystery to be explored.

Patience
Be OK inside the process. It may not flow right away but don’t rush it. And don’t try to force the discussion in a particular direction. Wait for the truth to emerge.

Acceptance
Be accepting. Who this person is, is OK. Seek to understand without judgment or correction.

Impact-ability
Be love. Place your attention on your heart. Let yourself be affected by the persons’ experience. Appreciate their willingness to be open. Sit with any uncomfortable feelings that may arise and allow yourself to feel it. This makes you stronger.

Tools

More to come...

Conversation Stems

The following are just suggestions to help get the conversation flowing. Please feel free to offer additional suggestions. Keep in mind that these are geared toward online discussion.


--- Posts ---

• What I feel I need to be happy is...
• My internal state right now is…
• My relationship to anger is...
• Something I'm good at is...
• Something I’m proud of is… 
• What I like about me is…
• What I want you to know about me is… 
• Something most people don't know about me is...
• Something I’m embarrass about is...
• My idea of a perfect day off is…

--- Responses ---

• What I really got about you is...
• Hearing that makes me feel…
• Where I felt you the most was...
• Something I really admire/enjoy/appreciate about you is…
• What I like about you is…
• What’s that like?
• What I really want to know about you is…
• What I really want for you is...
• My first impression of you is/was...

--- Go Deeper ---

• A time when I felt most vulnerable was...    The most vulnerable part about it was...
• A transcendent experience I had was...   The most rewarding part about it was...
• A time in my life when I felt most challenged was... The most challenging part about it was...
• An embarrassing experience I had was... The most embarrassing part about it was...
• My earliest memory is... The way I felt in that moment was...
• A time I was elated in love is... The best part about it was...
• A time I was disappointed in love is... the worst part about it was...

Reference: www.authrev.com

Mindful RAIN Meditation Practice

A first step to being authentic is allowing yourself to be open and present. The following is a blend of the RAIN mindfulness tool (which I learned about from Tara Brach),  blended with Ezra Bayda’s practice of using negative emotions as a path to transformation.

RAIN de-conditions the habitual ways in which we resist our moment-to-moment experience (e.g. our natural resistance to feeling uncomfortable and unsafe). It cultivates emotional awareness and helps to free us from conditioned responses. A strong reaction indicates hidden beliefs. Our attempt to control these experiences, actually cuts us off from our heart. Learning to surrender to the present moment is ultimately what allows transformation to take place.

R – Recognize what is happening
A – Allow life to be just as it is
I – Investigate inner experience with kindness
N – Non-Identification

Recognize

• Focus: Focus your attention on whatever thoughts, feelings and sensations you are experiencing. Ask yourself, “What is happening inside me right now?” Call on your natural curiosity as you focus inward. Where in your body do you feel it most? Some parts of your experience may be easier to connect with than others. For example, you might recognize anxiety right away, but if you focus on your worried thoughts, you might not notice the actual sensations of squeezing or pressure in your chest. On the other hand, if your body is gripped by jittery nervousness, you might not recognize that this physical response is being triggered by your underlying belief that you are about to fail.
• Identify Thoughts: Try to identify the thoughts that carry the biggest emotional load (e.g. I can’t stand this!). To identify hidden expectations, it may help to ask the question, "How is it supposed to be?"
• Label Beliefs: Declare thoughts as a belief (e.g. believing I can’t stand this). Articulating our thoughts as beliefs help to diminish our identification with them. As we objectify them in this ways, we no longer believe them as solid truth; reducing their ability to fuel our emotions.

Allow

• Let it be: Don't resist the experience. Don't let it go. Don't move beyond it. Don't try to change it. Just be present with what is.
  Note: It may help to consent to the experience with a phrase. You might feel the grip of fear and whisper “yes” or experience the swelling of deep grief and whisper “yes.” You might use the words “this too” or “I consent.” At first you might feel you’re just “putting up” with unpleasant emotions or sensations. Or you might say “yes” to shame and hope that it will magically disappear. Offer the phrase gently and patiently, and in time your defenses will relax, and you may feel a physical sense of yielding or opening to waves of experience. 
• Breath: At this point, release the thoughts/beliefs and focus on breathing into the center of the chest (imagine breathing through a conduit in that location and bring attention to the heart).
• Feel it: Embrace the uncomfortable emotions of the present moment and become aware of the internal bodily sensations (i.e. bring awareness of the specific experience into the physical body). The objective is NOT to change anything but to simply observe and experience whatever arises. Being fully present with this discomfort can help to diminish it.
• Expand Awareness: Begin with focusing on the breath. Expand your awareness to include the body. Gradually expand your awareness further to include the physical reality of the environment. Refrain from indulging thoughts.

Investigate

When dealing with overwhelming and ongoing experiences, your reactions can become very entrenched and difficult to process. If you’re having trouble sitting with the experience (e.g. swarming thoughts, leaving your body, or judging what is happening) it may help to dive deeper in an Investigative process.

• Inquire: With investigation you engage in a more active inquiry. You might ask yourself: “What most wants attention?” “How am I experiencing this in my body?” or “What am I believing?” or “What does this feeling want from me?” You might contact sensations of hollowness or shakiness, and then find a sense of unworthiness and shame buried in these feelings. Unless they are brought into consciousness, these beliefs and emotions will control your experience and perpetuate your identification with a limited, deficient self.
  Note: In order for investigation to be healing and freeing, we need to offer a gentle welcome to whatever surfaces. Relate to them with a friendly openness, has part of being human. Imagine a child comes to you in tears after being bullied at school. Before they can open up to you, they need to feel safe. You have to offer a kind, receptive, gentle attention. Bringing that same kindness to your inner life makes inquiry, and ultimately healing, possible.  

Non-identification   (R+A+I=N)

• Rest in Natural Awareness: There’s nothing to do for this last part of RAIN. Non-identification means that your sense of who you are is not defined by emotions, sensations or stories. This larger sense of self, invites openness and love.

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Guideline: The Three Rs

• Recognize what you're doing, thinking, and feeling.
• Refrain from repeating the thoughts and judgments.
• Reside in the physical experience of the present moment. 

Note: this practice can be used at any time, not just in moments of distress. Simply ask yourself “Am I happy right now?” If the answer is no, than proceed with the above process.

Reference: True Refuge by Tara Brach

Reference: Beyond Happiness by Ezra Bayda